ASK MARION – Why do people abuse and partners stay?

Do you find that you sometimes behave in a way that you would love to stop but don’t how or even why you do it in the first place, then email me.

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ASK Marion replies are of course short pointers to start a conversation within yourself, not an exhaustive discussion of the issue.

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Why do people abuse and partners stay


 This is such an important subject, I want to say this is a snapshot of how I see this but people with more expertise will know more and so will survivors.

Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.


Why some people abuse

  • For many people who abuse their partner, it is about control. They believe they have the right to control that person. 
  • By controlling someone and things outside of them they in turn feel safer inside.
  • Some people see abuse growing up. But that doesn’t justify it as there are many people who grow up in those circumstances and don’t abuse.
  • For some they have borderline antisocial personality traits and in addition to this poor problem-solving skills.

Why do people stay

  • They are afraid of what will happen of they decide to leave.
  • They believe that abuse is normal. They don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.
  • If they have been constantly put down, told they are wrong then they believe their abuser.
  • They think they are in love and their abuser loves them “if only they would change”.
  • If their abuser is popular, they may feel people won’t believe them.
  • They may feel pressure from their family to stay because of the children or even for cultural and religious reasons.
  • They may be financially dependent and cant see a way out without having their own money.
  • They may have nowhere to go and don’t know where to get help to leave.
  • Many believe that if they do “better” their partner will change and their life will get better.

The way forward;


If you are being abused, remember:

  • You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
  • You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • You deserve to be treated with respect.
  • You deserve a safe and happy life.
  • Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
  • You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
  • There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare.

Start by reaching out for help today if you have found yourself in this situation.

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